My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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