i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
this just has baby written all over it
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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