my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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