Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
meet me or not, i'm out of control
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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