Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
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Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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