Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
