just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize