Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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