I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
