There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
