It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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