she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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