Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
