I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
