i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
