Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
