sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
