i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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