Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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