It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
