i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He passed out mid-signature
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
