dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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