Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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