Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
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Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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