According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
