I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
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She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
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When in doubt, it's too much cheese
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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