Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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