Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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