Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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