Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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