We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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