i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize