Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
