8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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