I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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