Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
