dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
