I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
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so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
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She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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