Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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