I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
