I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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