I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
