Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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