Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
