If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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