she takes plan B like it's going out of style
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
