I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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