um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
