i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
