She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
