I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
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i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
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my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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