Define "chronic" masturbator.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
