Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
