I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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