I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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