I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
